I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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