i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
