Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize