we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
