I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
