Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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