You smell like a Billy Joel song
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You are the jesus of drinking
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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