How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize