I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
