Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
