last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
