Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
