My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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