he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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