So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
