I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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