life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
