need another drink. this is the easiest way
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
