Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
