Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm at about main and main street
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
