Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
