i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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