You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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