I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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