Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
