Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
