There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
