we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
