I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can text with my tongue
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
3pm strippers are depressing
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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