Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
