I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
