If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
