There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
