she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
