Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
