in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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