Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
