I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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