I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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