Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
