I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
