there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I love having hate sex.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
