I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
