I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
