mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
