I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
