how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
