woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
