you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
