I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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