i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
