If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
