Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
