Can i not drive my cunt home
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
