i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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