you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
