We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
