last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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