And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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