my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
