I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am one with the molecules
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