Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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