capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
