Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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