I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
