After last night, I could never be a politician.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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