My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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