Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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