Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
