I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
